And me? I'm a mess....

A mess who is joyful in the Lord! My heart is a bit of a rollercoaster lately…life is always busy…crazy…but the past few days more than usual. A lot going on..My father was admitted to the hospital a few days ago… for various reasons he has been having some problems the past few months. They are having a problem getting to the bottom of the situation because it doesn’t seem to be “health” related. He has not been able to sleep for the past few weeks so he is obviously sleep deprived…and he has been having a lot of anxiety lately. Mostly about his health and finances but it turned into more anxiety than he could handle. He has been trying or learning how to deepen his relationship with God (being a Catholic for most of his life) and I have noticed a significant difference in his life but then all this came.

Between this and other things in my life I feel like the world is at its best trying to beat me up and take me down…but I say No! I am trying not to let these circumstances consume me…but I have to say it is tempting. Leaving the hospital last night I was very guilty for leaving my father because he was not asleep again and more worried than before. But I held back tears because I am tuff and don’t have reason to cry because I trust in God and know that He gives me strength….and then God said “YES…but???”…I get into my car after 15 minutes of trying to find my car…and I go to start it and there is a big spider looking right at me…now this might sound simple to some but it is my worst nightmare. I have an insanely ridiculous fear of spiders. So I lost it…I was crying so much I had to remind myself to breathe. So after 5 or so minutes of sobbing…I felt God with me saying I am you strength but you are not GOD…I AM…so let Me be God and you can cry and I am hear to catch your tears…so I realized God really has a great sense of humor I mean it wasn’t funny at the time but He knew that little ugly eight legged thing would break me down enough to hear His voice.

So end result we all have storms of life…but Jesus Our Rock…Our Foundation will see is through…He is my calm of this storm and I will rest in Him and He will bring me through whatever the wind blows in.

I trust in You Lord…with life…circumstances and spiders.

I Will Praise you in this Storm
Casting Crowns

I was sure by now...God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away...And stepped in and saved the day
Once again, I say Amen, and it is still raining

As the thunder rolls I barely hear you whisper through the rain.. I’m with you
As your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives And takes away

I’ll Praise you in this storm
And I will lift my hands
You are who you are No matter where I am
And every tear I’ve cried You hold in your hand
You never left my side And though my heart is torn
I will Praise You in this storm

I remember whenI stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can’t find you

I lift my eyes into the hills
Where does my help come from
My help comes from the Lord
The maker of heaven and earth

“Sometimes God calms our storms. Sometimes He chooses to ride them with us”
Casting Crowns

Cling to this…

We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Rom 8:28

Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God… Psalm 42:5

I lift up my eyes to the hills—where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.
Psalm 121:1-2

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. 2 Corinthians 4: 16-18

Praising God in this Storm…

From Sorrow to Joy....

There is an obvious difference between Good Friday and Easter Sunday…not only in ambiance but a significant difference in our hearts. Our Good Friday service is like most…lights very dim…candles surrounding…tender music. One of our Pastors usually does the music alone on Good Friday but this time he asked me and another person to sing. At first I said yes and didn’t think much about it because I sing every Sunday…but then I realized this is an intense service and this is not to engage the congregation into worship…it’s a time of reflection. But something happens in me on Good Friday…I know it’s good because it’s God, but I still have not learned where to put it. It is odd for me not to be able to express what I am feeling…and its even odder (that’s a word right?) for a woman not to be able to put her finger on exactly what she is feeling (some relationship class input!) …but what is “it”…. sorrow…joy…devastation...praise…gratitude…anger…longing…peace…fear all at once.

We are in the sanctuary (we make it our sanctuary…but it’s really a college theatre) the lights are dim…candles are lit instead of lights because He is our light of the world… and I felt like there was an anticipation in the air.

To begin the service one of our teens sang “Via Dolorosa”….as she sang with her heart images of the way of the cross were on the screen. When she sang the words…And He bore with every step the scorn of those who cried out for His death…Like a lamb came the Messiah, Christ the King, But He chose to walk that road out of His love for you and me… more than tears and emotions roared from my heart. So the service continued…we sang more and all of the pastors took turns reading from Isaiah (which was so amazing it could be a whole other post...i mean i have read that so many times but the prophesies were more astounding at that moment then ever before) but I left there with something different….and I can’t quite understand it. I know that my heart was excited for Sunday and the wonderful service we would have…but something else…I don’t know. I always come back to our hunger for God….is this just how it feels to need Him and know and accept that you need Him. Is this just my Hunger for God??

I am all over the place with this post….and the weirdest thing is none of these feelings are negative or bad they are all good and under control…. Just a bit scattered. But I realize that sometimes our lives are a puzzle made by God… He knows what the picture will look like when it’s complete, but we have to pray for His will…so He can begin to place the pieces accurately and accordingly together to finish His picture…His perfect plan (perfect plan not perfect person...lol).

Praying for Jesus to put together my puzzle!
JD

Focus....

Trying to get thoughts together the past few weeks have been difficult…not in a bad way (if possible)! But I thing among all the “things” the one thing I have realized is I need more Jesus…I just can not get enough of Him…when I was little I could never understand when someone said I have a “hunger” for God. It’s as clear as day to me now. But can we ever truly satisfy it here on earth or will it take us to be dwelling with Him in heaven to be satisfied. I know that my relationship with Christ fills the emptiness in my heart and soul…but my hunger to Know Him and love Him is never satisfied. I always need more. I’m not complaining because this is obviously a good thing.. but lately my thoughts are a bit overwhelming…again not in a bad way... good thoughts can be overwhelming too! I was thinking... our souls are alive in Christ and with Easter so close…maybe our souls are flooded with joy because of the Resurrection that we humanly can not contain it. I was also thinking that if someone decides to read this they might think I am a complete wacko…ahh who cares it’s my soul talking not me!

I was listening to Casting Crowns CD Lifesong…and in one of the songs they say:
“The father gave His only Son..the Way the Truth the Life had come but there was no room for Him in the world He came to save…” and it really jumped out to me and I have listened to that part before but it touched my heart today. It gave me a peace (the kind that surpasses all understanding!!) just to know that He came willingly and full of love to save a world that He knew would reject Him…now that’s something to rejoice in!

Joyful for Jesus…
JD